"Hi, I'm Junior. This is my show." Applause. "Today you'll have a chance to talk to Donald Uffizi's parents, Mr. and Mrs. Uffizi. And here they are!" Applause. Cut to a middle-aged couple. Below them appears the text, "Gerald and Lacey Uffizi."
"Now, on my show, I let the audience ask the questions, but there's one in particular I know is on everyone's mind. Mr. Uffizi, is your son Jesus Christ?"
"Not as I know of, Mr. Junior."
"Just Junior is fine, Mr. Uffizi. Mrs. Uffizi?"
"Is your son Jesus?"
"Why, I don't think he even goes to church."
"All right. Now, here they are. Who's got a question?"
Junior forced his ponderous frame into the audience and handed his microphone to a woman a few seats in.
"Yeah," she asked, "what kind of kid was he? Was he a good kid?"
"He was never any trouble," said Mom.
"No, he was a good kid," said Dad.
At this point the microphone seemed to leap about the audience.
"How did his sister die?" asked skinny white girl.
"That was a terrible thing, with Donald's sister," said Mom. "We don't talk about that."
"How did he react to it?" asked big mustached man.
"He was too young to understand."
"How old was he?" asked fat woman with braids.
"About twelve. Eleven. Twelve."
"Did he ever tell you he was Jesus?" asked the sincere looking carrot-top.
"No," they both answered.
"Did he have any friends?" asked hair-scratching woman.
"Well," said Mom, "there was this boy William with these bottle ... bottom glasses and the asthma. He used to come over and just kinda watch Donald make rockets."
"Rockets?" asked Junior, who apparently didn't need a microphone.
"Wilbur was afraid of the rockets, I think."
"Do you mean model rockets?" asked Junior.
"You know, those little rockets with the Rocket Clubs after school. But he didn't do it long. Too many accidents."
"Accidents?" asked Junior.
"He wasn't careful," said Dad. "He just wanted to see the bang and the flying. You know how it is. Just wants to get to the good part, doesn't want to take the steps. You know how it is."
"Did he ever hurt anyone?" asked Junior as subtly as he could.
"Just himself," laughed Mom. "Except he nearly scared me to death. Remember when that odd black smoke was coming off his hand?"
Dad laughed with her. It was the highlight of the show. Miss Roc delighted in how boring this show was. Her Bishop interview was set to air on Sunday, right up against 60 Minutes. All she had to do now was convince Donald to come on her show again next week without telling him why.
shut it off
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